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transcrpt of the 2012 draft commencement address |
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Posted - 9/10/2012 3:41:30 PM |
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transcrpt of the 2012 draft commencement address
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Is it tradition for the winner to make a speech—or is it just me?
I have to do something to commemorate championship number three
I’m honored to stand before you—and so the ceremony has begun
To break ground on the town of Three Titleville—population one
So before we start this party and the best night of the year
I’ve written a few choice words I’d like each of you to hear:
Let’s start with the noob, who last year sent Ragnarok spinning off its axis
Due to his quick success, and his resemblance to Zach Galifinakis
Is there a Hangover in store for steely-danzig’s sophomore season
Mike—winning our league so soon could be considered an act of treason
So whether your boys perform like dog shit, or the sweetest smelling rose
Remember this regardless—your team name still fucking blows
What do they have in common, the Incas and the Blast of Machu Pichu?
Whether facing Ragnarok or Spanish inquisition, neither will ever beat you
It’s no secret Billy loves his ‘Cuse, whose football program is so retarded
They not only signed Greg Paulus, but that douchebag actually started
So Billy, please accept my heartfelt best wishes, you really are one in a million
May the Blast be more successful than Cuse alumn, receiver Mike Williams
Stu—it was hard to talk junk about you, try as I might
You appear a decent fellow, won a title, made the playoffs—you seem to get it right
Or really wrong as in a 10th and 12th—so upon examining your contributions
Perhaps you should be admitted to your team’s namesake institution
For a case of Football Bipolar Disorder. Which team will you be this year?
‘Cause right now you’re just the Ragnarok equivalent of Brittany Spears
Dearest Jeremy, my Bro Bowl brother, now the bridesmaid two years running
The fact you’ve been so close so often really is quite stunning
How have you been so close to elation but unable to quite achieve it?
Perhaps it was your non-competitive Friends School education? I’d believe it.
The Gamblers and Bass have almost joined my club, of titles they each have two
Who’ll get their next? In any contest involving money, can you really bet against the Jew?
What can I say about the Factor—well, how ‘bout this obvious fact
Of all the Ragnarok Owners, he’s the only one who’s… a Seahawks fan. What did you think I was going to say?
Aarik always claims he’s unlucky—yet here’s a fact real dirty
Teams that play the Factor always struggle to break thirty
How does he do it, you may ask. Well, I don’t want to sicken
But an hour ago I saw him out back sacrificing a live chicken
Joe and Zach, the Bass, the Syndrome. Now here’s a scary list.
They’re the only two Ashevillians who aren’t some sort of therapists
We all know Joe loves his Bills, a fact that fills me with endless joy
For two years ago this forbidden love netted me LeSean McCoy
This year the Bills are the it team, the trendy playoff pick
So draft Bills early, trade them to Joe—you won’t have to give up dick
And Zach, your theater classes are winning awards at breakneck pace
But looking at the Syndrome’s showings, don’t expand that trophy case
If I could make one request, don’t draft any Niners, please hear my plea
As everyone you drafted last year tore a shoulder or blew out a knee
Boys, some things must be said, no matter how controversial the position
With the way you two draft I’d give a testicle to be in your division
Dave and Erik—the Rush and Thunder—couldn’t be here with us today
I’m sure they’re passing notes and colluding in every possible way.
What’s more amazing: that Erik got a Ragnarok tattoo that looks as cool as fuck?
Or that Dave could’ve made last year’s playoffs if he hadn’t tried to bag a six-point buck?
No worries boys—but I have to ask as I look over all your vitals
Why are teams from Minnesota so goddamned allergic to winning titles?
Now on to Kent, a man whose thirst eclipses any I’ve ever seen
Seriously, this man could party with the likes of Charlie Sheen
There were several passouts, but in recent drafts his skill’s been seamless
It seems each sip—each shot—he takes has made him a drafting genius.
However it’s a selective power, outside football he’s still unstable
Scribbles Snavely still can’t remember his own seat at the poker table
Last but not least, how ‘bout the man who got us all here
Who opens up his heart and home to create the best mancation of the year
Still, one question lingers in my mind—Keith, help me understand:
How can you like both the Vikings and the Packers and still call yourself a man?
But no matter how the Splitters do—and here’s guessing it’s quite lame
There’s no doubt Keith will find a way to add another horseshit trophy by his name.
And so concludes my epic tale. I thought about performing it as a rap.
But as an Asian, if there are no numbers, rice or ping pong paddles, we’re no good at that.
It ain’t easy being champ, but I have plans to make it stick
And I have one wish for all of you, to |
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Coach Knoll Cowher
Ninjachef
997 posts
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Fu: 100.96 |
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Posted - 9/12/2012 5:03:45 AM |
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FA and YTD
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| Should we suspend free agancy until scoring and YTD are working accurately? |
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