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Posted - 7/27/2007 5:46:40 PM |
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New rules addition: Ownership Criteria
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This is now posted in the Rules section, and we give thanks to Bill Simmons of ESPN for the articulation:
The duties of an owner are simple: Don't bring your girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband to the draft; don't draft someone that was already drafted; don't draft an injured guy (leading your buddies to be thrust into an awkward position of either screwing you or giving you a do-over); try to field a competitive team; create an offensive team name; start a lineup of healthy players every week; return e-mails or phone calls within 24 hours unless you're trapped under something; and, when all else fails, at least come up with an occasional funny e-mail or message-board post.
But what about owners who bring nothing to the table and do a terrible job with their team? For whatever reason, it's less awkward for guys to dump a girlfriend than to discard a deadbeat fantasy owner. There's always some crazy reason to keep him around, like "It would be awkward for the commissioner to run into him at work" or "Let's cut him some slack, he's going through a divorce." Ridiculous. We already have to deal with too much dead weight in real life, we don't need it in our fantasy lives.
SOLUTION: The "three strikes and you're out" rule.
Here's how it works: During the draft, if you don't make any jokes and sit there looking like Mike Holmgren watching the Super Bowl XL video, that's a strike. If you repeatedly take too long to make picks, to the point that everyone is screaming 12-letter expletives every time you're on the clock, that's a strike. If more than twice you draft someone who was already drafted, because you aren't paying attention, that's a strike. If you draft an injured guy (leading to the aforementioned "should we or shouldn't we give him a do-over" intervention), that's a strike. If you spend the entire draft whispering on your cell phone to some unseen partner and ignoring everyone in the room, that's a strike. If you're too cheap to buy your own magazines and ask to borrow someone else's, that's a strike. If you forgot to bring money to the draft, that's a strike.
But wait, there's more. After the draft, if you don't return an e-mail or a phone call within 72 hours and can't come up with a valid excuse, that's a strike. If you go more than a month without sending a group e-mail or making a message-board post that belittles the credentials of someone else in the league, that's a strike. If you belatedly respond to someone's e-mail or phone call with a snarky comment like "Sorry I took so long to respond -- some of us actually have jobs" or "Just in case you forgot, there are more important things in life than fantasy football," that's a strike. If you started someone who's out for the season, or if you didn't use the waiver wire to try to replace that person, that's a strike. If you make a horrendously shady trade, even, if it gets overturned, that's still a strike. Three strikes and you're out. Simple as that. |
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